Woman
walks into a police office.
“I’d like to report a sexual assault.”
Officer: Okay, tell me about it.
When did it happen?
Woman: I don’t know, but it was around 35 years ago.
“I’d like to report a sexual assault.”
Officer: Okay, tell me about it.
When did it happen?
Woman: I don’t know, but it was around 35 years ago.
Officer:
Um, okay. Where did it happen?
Woman: I don’t know.
Officer: How did you get there?
Woman: I don’t know.
Officer: How did you get home?
Woman: I don’t know.
Woman: I don’t know.
Officer: How did you get there?
Woman: I don’t know.
Officer: How did you get home?
Woman: I don’t know.
Officer:
Did you report it then?
Woman: No.
Officer: Did you tell anyone about it at the time?
Woman: No, I waited 30 years to tell someone about it.
Woman: No.
Officer: Did you tell anyone about it at the time?
Woman: No, I waited 30 years to tell someone about it.
Officer:
You didn’t even tell your husband about it before then?
Woman: No. I waited 30 years to tell anyone about it.
Officer: Were there any witness?
Woman: Yes, four. Here are their names.
Woman: No. I waited 30 years to tell anyone about it.
Officer: Were there any witness?
Woman: Yes, four. Here are their names.
.
. .
Officer: We’ve spoken with all four of them, and all four deny it. Several denying even being there. They signed sworn statements, under penalty of felony.
Woman: Well, they’re all drunk or troubled.
Officer: We’ve spoken with all four of them, and all four deny it. Several denying even being there. They signed sworn statements, under penalty of felony.
Woman: Well, they’re all drunk or troubled.
Officer:
Why is it you can’t remember any of the details?
Woman: Trauma.
Officer: Well, who did it?
Woman: Brett Kavanaugh. I’m 100% certain it was Brett Kavanaugh.
Officer: How can you be certain it was Brett Kavanaugh?
Woman: Trauma.
Woman: Trauma.
Officer: Well, who did it?
Woman: Brett Kavanaugh. I’m 100% certain it was Brett Kavanaugh.
Officer: How can you be certain it was Brett Kavanaugh?
Woman: Trauma.
Woman:
Oh, and I took a polygraph.
Officer: Who paid for the polygraph?
Woman: I don’t know.
Officer: Who paid for the polygraph?
Woman: I don’t know.
Officer:
Would you come to DC to tell your story to Congress?
Woman: No, I’m afraid of flying.
Officer: How did you get here today?
Woman: I flew. I fly all the time. I love travel.
Woman: No, I’m afraid of flying.
Officer: How did you get here today?
Woman: I flew. I fly all the time. I love travel.
Officer:
When did you decide to go public with this?
Woman: A few days ago.
Officer: When did your employer scrub your bio, and when did your high school yearbooks all mysteriously disappear form the Internet?
Woman: Weeks ago.
Woman: A few days ago.
Officer: When did your employer scrub your bio, and when did your high school yearbooks all mysteriously disappear form the Internet?
Woman: Weeks ago.
Officer:
I've had an experienced sex crimes prosecutor from Arizona
review all your materials, and she says no reasonable prosecutor
would pursue your case. It's less than a "he said, she said"
matter because your witnesses actually refute you.
Woman: But Safeway!
Woman: But Safeway!
Officer:
Do you understand that this all adds up to a highly suspect, and
possibly demented, accusation against a person held in high
esteem throughout his career, who already underwent 6 FBI
background checks?
Woman: Safeway! Safeway!
Woman: Safeway! Safeway!
Officer:
Given that you can't remember even major details about this
traumatic event in your life, do you even know what memory is?
Woman: Epinephrine codes memories into the hippocampus, and so the trauma-related experience is locked there, whereas other details kind of drift.
Woman: Epinephrine codes memories into the hippocampus, and so the trauma-related experience is locked there, whereas other details kind of drift.
Officer:
Okay, so you do actually know some things. Why can't you
remember the most basic details about this event?
Woman: Safeway! Mark Judge went pale! Sen. Hirono leaked my letter to the media! Oopsies! (in coached baby-girl voice that sounds ridiculous for a 50 yr old woman)
Woman: Safeway! Mark Judge went pale! Sen. Hirono leaked my letter to the media! Oopsies! (in coached baby-girl voice that sounds ridiculous for a 50 yr old woman)
Officer:
We've checked, and the Safeway you keep going on about wasn't
even built until 1986. You've said the incident happened in
1982.
Woman: (Keeps looking over at the Democrat committee staffers)
Woman: (Keeps looking over at the Democrat committee staffers)
Officer:
Oh, and the first cell phone wasn't invented until several years
after the alleged incident, and cost $5,000. Dr. Ford, did you
have a $5,000 cell phone 4 years before it was invented?
Woman: (Senator Hirono?)
Woman: (Senator Hirono?)
Officer:
I can only conclude that Judge Kavanaugh should be investigated
by the FBI for a seventh time.
Woman (doubles down on baby girl voice, smiles at Sen. Hirono): Squee!
Officer: Did you say Squi?
Woman: Nevermind. I got what I wanted (checks Go Fund Me accounts).
Woman (doubles down on baby girl voice, smiles at Sen. Hirono): Squee!
Officer: Did you say Squi?
Woman: Nevermind. I got what I wanted (checks Go Fund Me accounts).
Woman
(texting husband): Honey, I've looked at the Go Fund Me
balances, and now we can have as many front doors in our house
as we want!
LADY JUSTICE: Catches the last train for the coast.
LADY JUSTICE: Catches the last train for the coast.
OBJECTIVE
MORAL VALUES (Calls out to LADY JUSTICE): Hey, wait for me!
Don’t leave me here alone!
@SamHarrisOrg: Don’t worry, everything will be fine. We don’t need either of those two.
@jordanbpeterson: Um, no.
@SamHarrisOrg: Don’t worry, everything will be fine. We don’t need either of those two.
@jordanbpeterson: Um, no.
@jordanbpeterson: No, that’s not right at all. We need all the wonderful things from religion while still denying their truth claims.
@SamHarrisOrg: Well, RELIGION left, too.
:
But without RELIGION, LADY JUSTICE and OBJECTIVE MORAL VALUES
there’s nothing standing between us and HELL!
Woman
(calls husband): Honey, I’m headed to the airport.
Husband: You can quit with that stupid voice now.
Husband: You can quit with that stupid voice now.